Thongs, pluggers; cool-guy’s slippers, tiny surfboards, party boots. They’ll protect you from the harsh realities of the road and ask nothing in return. In the US they’re flip-flops, in South Africa they’re slops, in New Zealand they’re jandals. We may know them by different names, but we know them well.
Thongs are the ultimate expression of human freedom and defiance of the elements. They’re a celebration of simplicity and ingenuity, a signal that we will embrace nature but we will not bow to it. In an ideal world, they would be the universal footwear of all endeavours; the standard uniform of pilots and high court judges, school teachers and cops.
Artwork by Nelson Nokela
Thongs are as much a celebration of world history as an exercise in keeping things very chill. They’ve existed, with few changes, since ancient Egypt, and have sprung up in one form or another across the globe for millenia. Imagine pharaohs sliding into a pair before smashing some extremely ancient beers down at the Nile, Julius Caesar tripping over his pluggers as he runs out of the Roman Senate to catch the last rays of the day, or the great philosophers of Greece sliding around on stone floors while they debate the question of who’s buying the next round.
They are, then, the most human footwear. But there are few cultures where thongs are as important as Australia. With 85% of us living within yewing distance of the beach, owning thongs is to an Australian what owning bear spray is to an Alaskan — a practical reality which, if not taken seriously, is going to end very messily.
But with stories surfacing of airlines barring thong enthusiasts from entering business class lounges, we must ask if we have lost our way. What kind of society do we live in? Who do they think we are? Have they forgotten that most Australian of activities—wearing open, low-maintenance footwear in literally any setting?
Artwork by Nelson Nokela
If the world were just, then this list wouldn’t be a necessary, but to save any embarrassment we’ve compiled a handy guide to remembering where thongs are considered “appropriate” in the modern age:
Weddings:
All good weddings occur on a beach, and every other kind of wedding should allow for guests to express themselves in the name of love. If they don’t then the marriage is doomed, as you should remind the bride and groom as loudly and frequently as possible.
While meeting the head of state:
No prime minister worth their salt would turn down a shakka from someone wearing thongs. It would be political suicide.
While in the hospital:
Just like a backpacker hostel, a hospital is a hot-spot for slime. Thus, always wear your thongs while in hospital.
While in a backpacker hostel:
If you wear anything other than thongs at a hostel then the police will be called
Artwork by Nelson Nokela
Air travel:
Contrary to what the the business class fat cats might think, air travel is the ideal environment for thongs. There are few indoor settings where personal comfort is as important. While air conditioning provides a tricky variable, the answer is simple: whack some socks under those thongs and you’re laughing. Is it a dad move? Yes, but dads got to where they are for a reason. Try it and you’ll realise the closed-footwear industry’s days are numbered.
While operating heavy machinery:
Questionable. This one takes some thinking, but a trained thong wearer will know that thongs are discrete enough to be worn under under a large pair of steel capped boots, and versatile enough to be stretched over them. Experiment and be creative.
In court:
This one depends on what you’re on trial for. If you’re accused of not partying enough, then thongs are are a subtle way of indicating to the jury that you do, in fact, love to chill. Accused of partying TOO much? If you’re a coward then you’ll leave them at home (after all, nothing says “will party for literally any excuse” like a nice pair of thongs in a formal setting). But if you’re true then you’ll bring them out anyway—everyone must have a code they live by, and this is ours.