One is literally the source of our existence. The other is literally The Source. Humans have wrestled with the task of arbitrarily deciding which of these two great activities – sex or surfing – is superior since time immemorial.
But from which vacuous hole of human imagination did this absolutely pointless and eternally fruitless debate emerge from? Who knows. Although the Virgin Mary, a surf fan if ever we saw one, may have had something to do with it. But forget all that! And bear witness as we, Mambo World, settle this debate once and for all.
To begin, we know almost certainly that sex came before surfing. As old as surfing is, it’s very difficult to argue that it existed before sex (that’s why they call it ‘the Big Bang’). So let’s start with sex.
Sex has many benefits. Not least, the ongoing survival of our species as we know it. The next best benefit of sex is that it feels really brilliant, thanks to a biological quirk known as the orgasm, and orgasms are really good for you.
In fact, according to a study by the NHS, Britain’s most famous health service, the average peak heart rate during orgasm is the same as during light exercise, “such as walking upstairs”. So the next time you think about walking up some stairs, perhaps consider having sex instead.
Next up, sex destroys stress. One study of 46 people (which actually isn’t that many) found that people who had the least sex were more stressed when public speaking or doing mental arithmetic out loud (wtf?), while people who had the most sex experienced a smaller rise in blood pressure.
From here, the benefits of sex really just keep going to be honest. For example: having sex every week might help you fend off illnesses, sex encourages better physical health, sex reduces the risk of angina and stomach ulcers (also wtf), regular sex benefits your mental health, and so on.
All of the above in mind, you’d be forgiven for thinking surfing has had its chips. But hold your god damned horses would ya, surfing’s not done yet! We don’t know how you like your sex, but for most of us normal humans, surfing poses much greater physical benefits than ye olde copulation. The upper body and core strength required to – and encouraged by – surfing is unparalleled. And then, of course, there’s the cardio thing.
In addition to the physical stuff, surfing is also a sure-fire way to get a humongous dose of nature, and spending time in nature has been proven time and time and time and time again to kick ass on the wellness front. From improving short-term memory to smashing fatigue and potentially even combatting depression and anxiety – the great outdoors is great for our squishy little brains.
And then there’s the act of surfing itself. The challenge of aligning your mind and body to ride a wave has been said to help increase self-awareness, which can in turn help boost emotional intelligence. As well as being used to help children with autism and other disabilities, surfing was also prescribed to a group of US Marines who were showing signs of PTSD – the initial results suggested a “decline in an overall negative view of life and other symptoms of depression.”
Surfing also opens you up to a whole new world of potential pals to head down the beach and get truly critical with. Sex, on the other hand, doesn’t really boast the same kind of community spirit. Unless you’re into gangbangs or swingers parties. Which is fine.
Truth be told, we couldn’t find a conclusion amidst all of this random information for the life of us, so we figured we’d run ‘surfing’ and ‘sex’ through Google’s Ngram application (which charts mentions of words and phrases in books and documents over a given time period) and see what came back.
Unfortunately for surfing, the results were pretty conclusive. We even tried to add in a few more popular activities, but sex beat them all. Even God. It wasn’t even close:
It’s hard to argue with the stats: sex is almost probably officially better than surfing. But, in the immortal words of the sage young girl from the eternally pertinent Old el Paso advert, “Porque no los dos?”