New Zealand and Australia. Two peas in a pod. Brothers from different mothers. Mates. Nah, really: mates. If there’s one thing that unites us more than anything else, it’s our shared love of the beach. But those surface similarities can be deceptive.
There are in fact a few extremely important differences between hanging out at the beach in New Zealand and hanging out at the beach in Australia.As a New Zealander who’s been living in Australia for almost 20 years on and off, I am uniquely qualified to act as an interpreter, a bridge between our two great nations. According the 2013 Australian census, there are a mere 649,999 other people who could offer this level of insight.
So here, in no particular order, are the six most important differences between the beach cultures of our two proud nations.
The Soundtrack
What Russia is to vodka, what America is to self-promotion, what Scotland is to cirrhosis of the liver, New Zealand is to reggae and its related genres. New Zealanders buy more reggae per capita than any other nation in the world bar Jamaica (I remember reading this in a music magazine circa 2002. It’s definitely still true.)
Upon the birth of their first child, or upon taking New Zealand citizenship, every single human being in the country is issued a copy of Bob Marley’s Legend. Go to the beach in Australia and you’ll hear a wide variety of music that runs the gamut from skip hop to pub rock and back to skip hop again. Go to the beach in Aotearoa and it’s just one big, fat, wobbly, reverb-drenched bassline, from one bay to the next.
Squint and you can hear Salmonella Dub.
Swimming
Want to go swimming at the beach in Australia? Go.
Want to go swimming at the beach in New Zealand? Maybe in a tick. It’s a bit chilly at the moment eh? There you go – sun’s come out. Wind’s come up though. Might put a hoodie on while I wait it out. She’s died down a bit now. Just hold on while I put some sunscreen on. Actually don’t worry. Sun’s set.
I’m going for a swim. I may be some time.
Speedos
Are all Australians elite athletes competing in international tournament where the few milliseconds of drag created by proper swimwear could mean the difference between sporting immortality and a lifetime of ignominy cleaning out fishtanks at their uncle’s pet shops?
What’s that?
They’re not?
Then you clearly just want people to look at your dick, you filthy animal. Put some boardies on, like we, the New Zealanders, do.
The goggles. They do nothing.
Venom
Nestled in the driftwood on a handful of beaches in a few remote parts of New Zealand lives an endangered, pea-sized species of spider named the Katipo. It’s pretty shy and will only bite you if all its other options have been exhausted. If it does bite you, it might make you a bit sick. The last known fatality from a Katipo bite was in 1901.
The Katipo is New Zealand’s only venomous animal.
Compare and contrast with Australia, where the only thing stopping a snake, croc, cassowary, scorpion or spider from killing you as you walk down the track to the beach is the fact that another snake, croc, cassowary, scorpion or spider might get there first.
Enjoy your f*cking swim, mate.
Names for things
Relax, I’m not going to bust out that old saw about how you say “shack” when we say “bach” (hilarious!), you say “milk bar” while we say “dairy” (so droll!) or you say “buggered” when we say “munted” (such incisive wit!).I am however going to share with you my increasingly deeply held suspicion: you people are doing it on purpose.
You’re being wilfully obscure. You’re deliberately dreaming up ridiculous names to make us, your little brothers and sisters from across the waves, feel excluded. It’s the only plausible explanation.
It’s a bin. It’s chilly. The correct name is in the description FFS. It doesn’t need an elaborate code word. Do I see you wandering down to the shoreline carrying some shower gel and a back scrubber? I don’t? You can’t be bathing then, can you? So why do you call them bathers?
Look at my convenient rubber sandals, which are designed in the traditional Japanese style. My “Japanese sandals”. My “jandals”.
Stop trying to be so goddamn clever.
A dairy, apparently.
Beach cricket
This is a tricky one – a trap for young players. All your standard beach-based rule variations apply – one hand one bounce; into the sea on the full is six and out. But in New Zealand, we bowl overarm.
* Frowned upon in New Zealand